The main news is that I lost my son to suicide on May 19, 2024. At 10:52p he sent me an email with a bunch of photos of himself. We had talked about this, so I didn't think anything of it when I saw the email later that night. I was watching TV with Pete when the email came in, so I didn't know about it immediately. Before bed I did a final check of my email for the night & saw the photos. I thought to myself "oh, cool. He sent the photos finally.' I saved them to my PC & saved the email to my saved folder. I started getting ready for bed & shutting everything down for the evening. What I didn't know was that at 10:53p, 1 minute after my son sent me the photos, he placed a call to 911 to report a suicide (his own). Dispatch was confused because they thought someone already had committed suicide. Then they figured out that it was a threat of suicide, then he admitted that it was him (going to be him). The dispatcher did everything she could to keep him talking but he knew that trick & apologized to her repeatedly & said he didn't want to be rude & hang up on her, but he has to go now. He told her many times "it's ok". Those were his last words. He hung up & she immediately tried to call him back with no luck. I'm assuming as soon as he hung up, he pulled the trigger at 10:57p. It would be an hour & a half later that the police would pull in our driveway to give us the notification. I have video of this, I had literally JUST gone to bed. I mean we're talking about 10 seconds. I turned off the final light, crawled into bed & the dogs went nuts because they saw headlights in the driveway. I got back up & saw the reflection of headlights on the brush guard that the County Sheriff SUVs all have & I knew. I knew something was horribly wrong. I knew my son was suicidal & my daughter also, so I didn't know which one they were to notify me on, but I had a horrible sinking feeling that it was one of them. I knew these nice officers didn't stop by for coffee at 12:27a. My dogs were going insane so I ran & got my husband to go outside & greet the officers because I had to stay inside & keep the dogs from getting so worked up that they started a fight with each other. After a few minutes my husband came back inside, slammed the front door & stormed past me. My notification (from my husband) was nowhere near as nice as the officers give notifications. My husband was PISSED. Once my husband was inside, I was able to go outside & get the news again & any details they had, which wasn't much. They did tell me that he called 911 & was found deceased in his apartment with a single gunshot wound to the head. He was 27 years old.
The next day my husband & I packed up the dogs into the car & drove 1 hour to our son's apartment. There was so much blood. I never realized a small body could leave that much & it was still mostly wet. We got as much as we could as far as personal belongings. Paperwork, PC, laptop, etc. The next day my husband rented a truck & went up there to empty the apartment. I stayed here & watched the dogs & then tried to integrate a full 2 bedroom apartment into our relatively small house that we already have overfull with 60 years of our own crap. I also got the 911 audio from his call & it's very hard to listen to your son when he's that sad & saying "it's ok" to try to ease the weight of the calltaker because he knows this is a call where she's going to feel as if she failed because she couldn't save him. I happen to know there is absolutely nothing she could have said to prevent what happened. I hope she knows that.
Now I've never been really religious but let me tell you, this has made some significant changes in my life. I went to Catholic church as a teen, I was told by my grandmother that I was Protestant, & along the way I've just been wandering without any labelled religion. I know what I belive, but none of the organized religions seem to match exactly. When I lost my son though, I wanted to know that he was ok. That he was happy now. That his 14 years of pain & depression were over. I have been doing a lot of research on NDEs (Near Death Experiences) & it has brought me a lot of comfort. I searched again for religion. I know the Catholic church has backed off on that whole 'all suicides burn in hell for eternity' thing, but it still bothered me so I backed away from the largest religion. Then I looked into the oldest religion, Hinduism. I like a lot of it but much of it is confusing because I don't speak the language & they will tell you over & over that their beliefs absolutely do not translate well (or at all) into English. I gave up because without learning a new language, I wasn't going to get much out of it. Not their fault ... I was born & raised in the U.S. & only speak English. So I'm sticking with my beliefs & leaving them unlabelled. I have a mix of Catholic, Hinduism, & Wiccan with sprinkles of astrology, biorhythms, & numerology on top. It works for me & I'm sure there's not a labelled religion out there that matches that. If you know of one, please let me know. It's not that I need an organized religion to label myself, but it would be nice to find others who think like I do. Out of all the people in the world, I can't be the only one with that specific mix of beliefs.
Now onto what you can expect on this once again daily blog. My main interests ... Astrology, biorhythms, Catholic, crafting, daily life, Kyle, & numerology. I like everything to be neat & orderly, so they will be arranged in alphabetical order, in separated paragraphs, so you don't need to read the entire thing if you don't want to. You can scroll down & easily find what you like.
Astrology (Gemini):
We are lively, energetic, versatile, & intellectual, live primarily in the
mind rather than the emotions, & are extremely adaptable to new situations.
Biorhythm:
- Physical state: Positive
- Emotional state: Negative
- Intellectual state: Positive
- Intuitive state: Negative
Intellectual maximum
The intellectual maximum increases creativity. During this period, the most
difficult problems can be solved with ease. This is a good time for
negotiations, signing contracts, and making decisions of great importance.
Intuitive minimum
The intuitive minimum is characterized by a loss of the sixth sense. Decisions
made intuitively at this time may prove false. There is no inspiration for
creative work.
- Physical is high at 76%. Tracks strength, endurance, powers and state of health. Physical fitness, strength, & stamina.
- Emotional is low at 15%. Tracks the stability & positive energy of psyche & outlook on life, as well as capacity to empathize with & build rapport with other people. Mood, emotions, perception and creativity.
- Intellectual is high at 97%. Representative of intellectual dynamics: verbal, mathematical, symbolic, & creative abilities, as well as capacity to apply reason & analysis to the world around you. Thinking, learning, memory, communication, logic and analytical abilities.
- Intuitive is low at 3%. Know when you can trust your "sixth sense". The cycle tracks an unconscious perception and instincts.
Primary overall is high at 63%
- Wisdom is high today at 56%. Wisdom encompasses your understanding of the world, your role in it, and the things that are truly important to your life. This cycle also tracks the presence of mind that you need to make crucial decisions.
- Mastery is high at 87%. Mastery encompasses your ability to succeed at tasks and to obtain what you desire. This cycle also tracks athletic ability and the focus required to learn physical skills.
- Passion is low at 46%. Passion encompasses your motivation to act, and the drive that allows you to continue a difficult pursuit. This cycle also tracks sexuality in its purest form and affects enthusiasm, stimulus, and impulsion.
Secondary overall is high at 63%
- Perception is low at 40%. Physical/Intuition pattern is probably the hardest of the basic patterns to name. That's probably because Physical and Intuition are diametrically opposed on the surface. On the contrary, they are the same as all extremes meet. Physical covers the 5 basic senses that everyone is aware of and Intuition embodies the ethereal (electromagnetic) senses that are just beyond the reach of conventional science. Many plants and animals on this planet have been proven by science to have perceptions beyond that which most people realize, and untold unsolved crimes have been solved with the help of Psychics. This pattern was named the PERCEPTION pattern for obvious reasons.
- Psychic is low at 9%. (ESP, Precognition, Remote Viewing, etc.).
- Success is mid at 50%. (Business, Financial, Scientific discoveries, etc.).
Extra overall is low at 33%
- Aesthetic is low at 9%. Creativity & creative skills.
- Awareness is low at 47%. Influences confidence and self-awareness.
- Spiritual is low at 11%. Influences inner stability and attitude and the perception and personal relationship to what exceeds a person: to God.
I-Ching overall is low at 22%
Catholic (Cross of the day that I like to create on DeviantArt):
Crafting: Right now I'm working on a pair of knitted socks, nothing exciting. I just completed a knit pillow cover for one of our throw pillows for the sofa.
Daily Life: Nothing new happens. I don't leave the house because I have 4 dogs who go insane & if I'm not here to break up a fight over literally anything at the drop of a hat, the littlest one would most likely be killed. Since I love all my dogs, I don't leave. When we had to go to my son's apartment, I took them with us & since they're not used to going out in the car, they were very unhappy. They were shivering & crying the entire time & I felt horrible, but it couldn't be avoided. IF anything exciting (or even remotely different) happens, I'll talk about it here ... but every day is the same. I do the same things, in the same order, every single day. No ... I'm not bored or lonely. I love my life. I love everything about it. Some people love to be outside doing, going, & experiencing ... some love to be inside crafting & watching TV. That would be me. :)
Kyle: What can I say? He's gone & I miss him terribly. I remember in one of the asteroid is going to destroy earth movies, a man was talking about the loss of his wife. He said every marriage has its ups & downs. Good years & bad years. She died on a good year. It was the same way with me & my son. Once he moved out & got away from have me up his nose all day & night & my dogs barking every time he opened his bedroom door, we got along much better. He started calling me almost every day to talk about anything & everything. We had spent so long not getting along while he was living here (as a teen all the way through adulthood ... about 13 years) that I had forgotton how nice it was when we DID get along. The last year with him was very nice. I had a friend in him again. Someone to talk to about ... stuff. We were poliotical opposites but thanks to being on the debate team in high school, he was able to discuss political headlines with me without either of us getting all frustrated & angry. I miss his daily calls. I miss him. I understand WHY he did what he did, but I wish ... he could have found a way ... some way to ease his sadness. I just miss him so much.
Numerology: This also ties in with Astrology in some form. Gemini is the 3rd sign, mutable air, ruling planet is Mercury, Body parts are lungs, arms, & hands, & keywords are versatility, talkativeness, & ingenuity.
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